Stepping into the Void

I stepped into the void with faith and one month’s rent. I felt like I was stepping off the edge of a mountain into thin air. At forty-seven years old, I left a marriage of twenty-five years to live by myself in a one-bedroom apartment. I believed I just needed some time by myself to sort things through. I needed to redefine myself. I had never lived in an apartment or even lived by myself before. Feeling guilty for leaving, I took very few of my possessions – a dresser, a desk, and a few dishes. I even had to borrow a bed.

I owned my own business and it wasn’t doing very well because of all the stresses in my life. So I moved my business out of the office I was sharing and into the dining room of my apartment. It was a large first floor apartment with a sliding glass door out to a tiny patio, and it became my place of sanctuary. I didn’t have a table or chairs at first, so I set my desk up in the dining room to look out across the living room and out the big window and sliding glass door. This ‘70s apartment (complete with harvest gold appliances) was surrounded by mature trees and a little pond. I felt like I was safe, nestled in a cabin in the northern woods. My financial resources were meager, but I will never forget the feeling of total trust, knowing I was doing what I needed to do. I knew I would be okay, and I could take of myself.

As I stepped into the unknown, a deeper knowing of who I am came first. During those first months, I didn’t have a couch or a comfortable chair to curl up in. I would sit on the floor and meditate and just be. I’m a pianist, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t even have my grand piano. For most of my life, I had always been busy doing. I realized that if I was going to find those lost parts of myself, I would have to be quiet and listen to the whispering of my soul and just be. Many times, just before we come to the crossroads, we fill our lives with busyness so we don’t have to listen to that little voice whispering in our ear.

When I stopped and began listening, my inner voice started to answer those questions I had never been able to voice before. I began to understand the cycles of life. I recognized that we move from tradition to transition to transformation and that, ultimately, transformation becomes tradition and the cycle continues. I learned that you can’t get from tradition to transformation without spending time in transition (being in the void). Now I welcome the void because I know it will move me into the passion of transformation. It’s time for a new Adventure to begin!

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